Penguin Non Grata

… and I want to keep pictures of these three around.

Even if it’s unhealthy…

So lately I’ve been consumed with thoughts about marriage. Again.

And it’s driving me insane.

So I just have to get this out… I don’t talk about the topic very often to people because they talk about it enough for me. It amazes me that people actually think it’s appropriate to ask OVER and OVER again, “So, when are you two getting married? It’s been long enough! When is he going to ask?” and on and on…

Do these people not think about the fact that them bringing this up is equivalent to them piercing my heart with searing pokers (with thorns added for extra pleasure).

Do they not see the reaction they get? If they looked close enough they might see the telltale signs… the gritting of the teeth as the smile is forced and a joke about being an old maid is uttered… the glimmer in my eyes disappearing, making way for a tear being held back despite it’s best effort to escape… the wince of pain as the poker goes in, nicking my aorta on the way.

I take it with stride simply because I realize these people don’t realize that it hurts me.

Two days ago, someone who I am close with at work told me that I need to face the fact that we’ll never get married. She said that if it hasn’t happened by now, it won’t. Now, I am accustomed to being asked when it’s going to happen, but I’ve never actually had someone tell me something that harsh. I didn’t even know what to say. What could I say? And what would posses someone to say something like that? Especially someone who is close to me? I muttered something about her not knowing enough about our relationship to say that, and that we’ve talked enough about it to know that he will eventually do it, and how we have a lot going on… and on and on. But the painful truth is that I have NO IDEA what I should have said to that. We do talk about it, but talk is one thing and action another. We do have a lot going on, but I don’t feel that selling a house and finishing school (at my age) are things that should stand in the way.

Five years is a long time to be dating. I love Alan with all my heart and am more sure about the fact that he is for me than I am about ANYTHING in this world. Until we got together I had NO IDEA what real love was. Sure, I thought I knew… but I realize now that I really had no idea. I am so grateful to have been given the chance to experience it, as I know that many people are not that lucky. But at the same time, it seems like such a cruel joke to be blessed with something so wonderful and not be able to move forward with it.

I try not to think about it, I really do… but it seems like as soon as I push the thoughts out of my head, they creep back in. I feel like if you find something wonderful, you need to hold on to it… so I must not be that great since he isn’t making any kind of move THIS far into the relationship. Then the irrational thoughts creep in… things like “if I were skinnier/prettier/enter quality here he would have asked by now.” I know that’s not the case… he’s not that kind of guy, which is one of the things I love about him. But the truth is… it’s almost impossible for me to NOT think that there is something so wrong with me.

Then there’s the peer factor. With our friends (all of whom I love dearly) we are surrounded by married/engaged couples, some of whom have gone that next step and are having children. I can’t help but be reminded constantly by these relationships that my relationship is on hold. I want what they have… and not in a “everyone else is doing “x” so I must do “x” way. I don’t live my life that way. Then I start to look at my friends and respect the men even more for marrying these wonderful women and respect the women even more for being so wonderful that their men wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives with them. And then it all leads back to the same place… what’s wrong with me that he would risk losing me? What’s wrong with him that he won’t do it already?

You’d think that by this point I’d be so numb about it I wouldn’t give a shit.

But I do.

And every time I am asked “so when is he going to ask you?” the undercurrent of unhappiness over the situation comes crashing in…a tidal wave of emotions.

I’m 28. Not getting any younger. In a relationship limbo of sorts that has been 5 years in the making. I don’t want to be “living in sin” or “playing house” (as its been referred to) any longer. I would love to live for the moment and be ok with where we are, but I want to be his wife. I want to have his kids. I want to grow old and wrinkly with him. Hell, I’d be fine with just the engagement… just some sort of progress towards that goal.

I want to stop feeling the urge to go to bluenile and build and rebuild these same rings over and over again… if only to spare myself the feeling I get when I realize that I’m just teasing myself.

If only my internal dialog had a mute button and my biological clock had a snooze bar…