Penguin Non Grata

I watched Micheal Moore’s new movie Sicko last Wednesday night (thanks to bittorrent… hey, Mike said it was okay!). I’ve been waiting on its release for a while as health care and insurance are two topics that are of particular interest to me.

I enjoyed the film immensely. Yes, it was chock-full of the same emotional sabotage tactics that are prevalent in many of his films… but the facts don’t lie. Though the negatives of universal health care were not presented, the facts on our current system were spot on. All in all, I hope that people will at least view this and use it as a starting point to open their eyes. To see our system for what it is… broken.

If only I could believe that all it would take is a film to open peoples eyes.

Yes, I’m jaded. And It’s not without good reason. I’m one of the 46.6 million Americans without insurance. And I’m paying dearly for it.

When I decided to come back to school in 2003, I crunched the numbers and insurance just wasn’t going to fit. I could either continue working full time and not go back to school (but have insurance) or go to school (and therefore be uninsured). Yes, I chose to go back to school… but the fact is that choosing between bettering yourself and being a more productive member of society or being able to have health insurance is a choice that no one should have to make.

The fact is though… that I had it better than most in my position. I work for the corporate office of a doctor’s office with locations throughout the state. Through work, I have access to health care. This has been a lifesaver and has enabled me to get care when I was ill, something that most people take for granted… but sadly is unavailable to many people.

The only problem in my situation comes in when other health care providers are involved, or when it comes to prescriptions. I have accrued $9,000 in medical bills over the past 2 years, in addition to $105 a month that I pay for two prescriptions that are necessary for me to function. I know that there are so many people out there that are worse off, which is why I try not to whine about it… but I can’t get it out of my mind that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Yeah, yeah, there are programs… programs meant to help people temporarily. Bullshit. The only way someone like me would be able to get help is if I got pregnant. How much sense does that make? If I got pregnant, I would have full coverage by Medicaid. Obviously, I wouldn’t go that route. So what are some other options? Prescription assistance programs? Tried it… get this: I make too much money! Ha! At the time I applied, I was making $11,000 a year. They said that I make too much money. Too much money. Really? How does someone survive on 11,000/year? Very carefully… and with a lot of help. I could go on about the other failed attempts to get some sort of help, but to be honest… it’s just exhausting.

So here I am, $9000 later and looking forward to paying at least $1260 more dollars in the next year for medicine. I guess I should look on the bright side… the bills I rack up in medical fees will not even come close to the amount of student debt I’ll accrue before I graduate…

… all because I wanted to be a more productive member of society.

Maybe Michael Moore’s next film can shed some light on the extremely high rate that tuition increases and how corrupt and backwards the student loan system is.

And then I can post a rambling lament about that.

But for now… see the film.

So lately I’ve been consumed with thoughts about marriage. Again.

And it’s driving me insane.

So I just have to get this out… I don’t talk about the topic very often to people because they talk about it enough for me. It amazes me that people actually think it’s appropriate to ask OVER and OVER again, “So, when are you two getting married? It’s been long enough! When is he going to ask?” and on and on…

Do these people not think about the fact that them bringing this up is equivalent to them piercing my heart with searing pokers (with thorns added for extra pleasure).

Do they not see the reaction they get? If they looked close enough they might see the telltale signs… the gritting of the teeth as the smile is forced and a joke about being an old maid is uttered… the glimmer in my eyes disappearing, making way for a tear being held back despite it’s best effort to escape… the wince of pain as the poker goes in, nicking my aorta on the way.

I take it with stride simply because I realize these people don’t realize that it hurts me.

Two days ago, someone who I am close with at work told me that I need to face the fact that we’ll never get married. She said that if it hasn’t happened by now, it won’t. Now, I am accustomed to being asked when it’s going to happen, but I’ve never actually had someone tell me something that harsh. I didn’t even know what to say. What could I say? And what would posses someone to say something like that? Especially someone who is close to me? I muttered something about her not knowing enough about our relationship to say that, and that we’ve talked enough about it to know that he will eventually do it, and how we have a lot going on… and on and on. But the painful truth is that I have NO IDEA what I should have said to that. We do talk about it, but talk is one thing and action another. We do have a lot going on, but I don’t feel that selling a house and finishing school (at my age) are things that should stand in the way.

Five years is a long time to be dating. I love Alan with all my heart and am more sure about the fact that he is for me than I am about ANYTHING in this world. Until we got together I had NO IDEA what real love was. Sure, I thought I knew… but I realize now that I really had no idea. I am so grateful to have been given the chance to experience it, as I know that many people are not that lucky. But at the same time, it seems like such a cruel joke to be blessed with something so wonderful and not be able to move forward with it.

I try not to think about it, I really do… but it seems like as soon as I push the thoughts out of my head, they creep back in. I feel like if you find something wonderful, you need to hold on to it… so I must not be that great since he isn’t making any kind of move THIS far into the relationship. Then the irrational thoughts creep in… things like “if I were skinnier/prettier/enter quality here he would have asked by now.” I know that’s not the case… he’s not that kind of guy, which is one of the things I love about him. But the truth is… it’s almost impossible for me to NOT think that there is something so wrong with me.

Then there’s the peer factor. With our friends (all of whom I love dearly) we are surrounded by married/engaged couples, some of whom have gone that next step and are having children. I can’t help but be reminded constantly by these relationships that my relationship is on hold. I want what they have… and not in a “everyone else is doing “x” so I must do “x” way. I don’t live my life that way. Then I start to look at my friends and respect the men even more for marrying these wonderful women and respect the women even more for being so wonderful that their men wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives with them. And then it all leads back to the same place… what’s wrong with me that he would risk losing me? What’s wrong with him that he won’t do it already?

You’d think that by this point I’d be so numb about it I wouldn’t give a shit.

But I do.

And every time I am asked “so when is he going to ask you?” the undercurrent of unhappiness over the situation comes crashing in…a tidal wave of emotions.

I’m 28. Not getting any younger. In a relationship limbo of sorts that has been 5 years in the making. I don’t want to be “living in sin” or “playing house” (as its been referred to) any longer. I would love to live for the moment and be ok with where we are, but I want to be his wife. I want to have his kids. I want to grow old and wrinkly with him. Hell, I’d be fine with just the engagement… just some sort of progress towards that goal.

I want to stop feeling the urge to go to bluenile and build and rebuild these same rings over and over again… if only to spare myself the feeling I get when I realize that I’m just teasing myself.

If only my internal dialog had a mute button and my biological clock had a snooze bar…

Nothing infuriates me more than calling a customer service line and getting shoddy service. The only thing that makes it worse is when calling customer service and getting someone who cannot speak fluent english, and in addition cannot understand what I’m saying. I just don’t know what these companies are thinking… I mean I realize that for them it’s all about the bottom line, but I HATE the fact that when I need some assistance I can’t speak to someone who speaks ENGLISH! Meanwhile, my problem is still not resolved to my liking and I now have yet another company to add to my list of places that WILL NOT get my money any longer…

… which, sadly, has grown quite exponentially. My whole “responsible consumerism” is becoming quite hard to manage. This might be a good thing for my savings account in the near future due to the fact that my conscious consumer habits will not allow me to spend money on anything!

Oh, and another thing. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe that your name is really “Cindy Smith?” If you are going to pick a alias to use at work, for fracks sakes please pick on that is believable.

/rant

I wouldn’t say I’m suprised that the amendment banning gay marriage here in South Carolina passed with flying colors, I expected this, but I guess it’s a little depressing to see that only 22% of my fellow state citizens stand for the same things I do.

Protecting the institution of marriage my ass… obviously, someone is neglecting to look at the current statistics on straight marriage. We’re not doing such a good job of “protecting the institution” ourselves. Who are we to deny people who love each other the right to make it official? Love is love people… whether it’s between a man and woman, 2 men, 2 women, it deserves the chance.

I’m an alien. Or something.

So tell me…. are you offended by this art installation?

Cause I’m not. And evidently I should be. But I really have a hard time getting upset over someone trying to make a point about free speech not really being free when there’s so much more out there that offends. He’s offended. She’s offended. We’re all so busy being offended!

Dread Scott was obviously looking for that shock factor to get people listening. So am I unpatriotic for not being offended by the flag on the ground? It’s an icon. It’s a piece of cloth. Ink. Stitching. And this is simply a piece of art. I am patriotic, but I think this country has a lot to learn and if I gained anything from my travels… it’s confirmation of that fact.

So berate me if you must. But keep in mind that we are all entitled to our opinions…It’s all about free speech.